Why Dating Multiple Guys Never Works Out [This Is Why We're Single]It's Metafilter's 20th anniversary! To celebrate, scan some cats or help fund Mefi! When do people expect exclusivity in online dating? Help me figure out what the unstated expectations are! I've only ever dated people from my extended circle of friends in the past, where exclusivity was expected very quickly because everyone knew you were dating or that something was brewing, at least. But from reading about online dating here, it seems like it's totally acceptable to be seeing more than one person at once. But I'm not sure how to handle it.
Their Tinder profiles are all still active so I'm not sure whether or not I should delete mine while I'm getting to know one person? I've gone on second dates with 3 men. Their Tinder profiles are all still active, so up until now I've kept mine active too. You're going on dates with multiple guys but want a monogamous relationship.
Do you see a contradiction here. Please don't tell me you found these guys on Tinder and that you intend to continue using Tinder do find dates. I live in a bigger city and Tinder is actually a more reliable way to meet people compared to other dating websites. I tried OKC and Match for a whole 3 days and it was way more overwhelming. Before agreeing to a first date I always disclose my intentions of looking for a monogamous relationship and not having sex without monogamy.
You're not looking for people, you're looking for monogamous relationship. You're not helping yourself. In fact, you are sabotaging yourself.
Literally anyone in the world can message you and view your profile. In a matter of 18 hours I had over messages from people across the world. It was overwhelming - it had nothing to do with my pacing. I didn't even do anything! Literally made an account on a Friday night, checked it on Saturday and my inbox had exploded with people from Thailand and all over the place. Who has time for that? Women on dating sites can easily get much more than that in a day. You just have to ignore the ones that are obviously not possible matches.
You don't have to answer everyone. Even as a man, I would have to plow through hundreds of messages a day on Craigslist, mostly to weed out the hookers and gold digger types. That's just the nature of such things. Some days I didn't get any messages from women who were actually interested in dating. Some days I got one or two.
And if you think men are the only ones enjoying this trend, think again: Women are actually more likely to want to date multiple people at a time than men are. Hands up if you have hundreds of matches on dating apps who you've for the guy I really recommend a photo that she can ask a question on a dating app likely isn't just talking to you — they're talking to multiple people. Like many people, I've had multiple profile versions, and deleted and I'm convinced the guys who match with you and never message you just love online Spend long periods of time on any dating app with the intention of.
In the end, though, that's where I found my wife. I used Craigslist because I got the most real dates with interesting people off it, even with having to do all that weeding.
I'd thought the default was still that you don't receive international messages without opting to do so. Can't imagine they were stupid enough to take that filter off entirely from the options for settings. Maybe I missed that setting? I have no idea. What's it like? How do I find a roommate? You can set up filters for which messages get to your inbox. Things like message length and other things. Also, you don't even have to check your inbox. Just message guys you find interesting.
Just be aware that if you find them interesting enough to message first, other women probably had the same idea. You should also disclose that you are casually dating until you find the right person. Be up front and honest with it, and it won't become an issue later. There is no contradiction.
She's going out with men looking for one she wants to be monogamous with. She hasn't found him yet. That's called dating and its normal and accepted in the adult world. I am a man. And I date. Sometimes I date multiple women at once.
How to Get Multiple Tinder Dates
I assume they are dating other men as well. There is no expectation of exclusivity until a potential partner and I have sat down and had an adult conversation about it and agreed we are exclusive. The idea that one date magically makes someone your exclusive partner is Honestly it's an attitude I expect a high schooler to have. You're comparing apples to oranges here. You clearly are not interested in the same thing as her. When I'm looking for a relationship I ask out women I'm interested in and get to know them, usually by participating in activities that give us the opportunity to have conversations and get to know each other better.
If the first encounter goes well I'll ask them out for a second. Rinse and repeat until either A one of us isn't interested or B we decide we really like each other and want to transition into an exclusive relationship. Until B happens I'm free to do the same with other people and so is she. You want a monogamous relationship so you think the best way to get that is date as many people as possible at once until one sticks?
It would be a huge red flag.
As the guy, am I supposed to take the lead on this? . First of all, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people from online at once as long.
I'm not saying it makes you a bad person or that it makes you slutty or whatever, it's simply that I'm not willing to take that kind of risk because girls who do that are far more likely to be slutty.
I'd cut it out if you're actually interested in monogamy. For most men, I think it's more of an issue of not wanting to compete for a woman. It's not worth the time and effort to do that when half the world is female. I'm not willing to take that kind of risk because girls who do that are far more likely to be slutty.
Even if the girl tells you up front she's looking for a monogamous relationship and doesn't have sex before monogamy? Because that's what I tell any guy I match with online before agreeing to a first date just to make sure they understand where I'm coming from. It's still a red flag, or at least a yellow flag. Some of the biggest sluts I've ever met insisted that we wait for sex and one said that she didn't want me to see other people and I assumed that applied to her too lol and she could have very easily given me an STD.
To me, someone dating around at first screams of branch-swinging. You may be committed to monogamy, but I would get the impression that the monogamy would cease as soon as you found someone better.
I get the impression that you're shopping around for the best you can get, rather than making a sincere effort to find a particular person. Now don't get me wrong, everyone is shopping around for the best they can get, but the fact that you're not even pretending not to be would be worrying to me.
I might also get the impression that you're stringing guys along for entertainment and free dinners. Like it or not, you are leading on two guys. You might not know which guys they are but you're knowingly wasting their time just so you can get the best possible deal. It's very self-centered. Call me old fashioned, but when I'm looking for a monogamous relationship, I don't usually date in a non-monogamous way.
It depends on the level of intimacy I have with the lady in question. Ultimately, it's none of my business if we're not in a committed monogamous relationship. A lot of it stems from my own shit of a long history of battling insecurities and struggling to open up emotionally to other people. I've gotten way better at dealing with it, but I would still hesitate on the nature of the connection if I found out there were other guys in the picture.
To answer your questions, no its not disingenuous but it would probably be a nicer gesture to start paying your half of the date. I assume the woman is interested only in me when we talk about being serious, or have sex and she has stated she doesn't do casual sex. But I also learned not to make assumptions when both of those have happened and I still got burned.
What bothers me while reading your post is that you repeatedly mention them buying you fancy dinners. Coming from a country where equality is important I wonder what expenses you make on these dates. If they pay for the fancy dinners, do you at least pay for the activities? On topic: I rarely go on a second date with several women in the same period.
I'd asses the situation and continue with the best one. That's what I think is fair and in that way I can focus on that women while not having to keep my dates and data apart. I'd have no problem with it, but on every first or second date I go on I'm up front about what I'm looking for in a relationship and I ask her intentions. If they don't match up so be it.
If you told me you were just going on dates to see if someone works out for something long term I'd be cool with that, because I am too. I think the more dates you go on the more you figure out your likes and dislikes. You get better at dates, and if you also focus on improving yourself during this time you become a better mate. I think you are completely in the fine. I mean don't take too long and develop serious relationships with both dudes, but you've got some time to get to know them.
Just make sure you are honest with these guys and you're treating them with the respect you'd want in the early phases of a dating. And I'm always up front about my intentions looking for a monogamous relationship, no sex until monogamy before I even agree to a first date. So far I've only been on second dates with each of them and we briefly exchange texts throughout the week.
I think you're fine. If you offer to pay and that's what the dudes want, they can use their words and say "ok, great! Date them, date others, find someone you actually want a relationship with, and if someone wants to clarify what dating means to you, be honest. No need to feel bad if they want to pay, and you're obviously not going to commit to one person after a second date.
If you were a guy this thread would be a lot different. To me? That's what dating is. You're getting to know people and trying find one you might like a deeper connection with. But I'm older so maybe expectations have changed. I see no reason to tell them you are dating other people on a first or second date or whatever. You might consider either paying for, or going dutch, on dates if you are feeling guilty about men spending so much money on you.
Short version is, in my mind, you are free to date whoever you want until you agree to be exclusive with one person. Until then it's your business, not theirs anyway. Is this still true if sex or any other physical contact is involved? Wouldn't it be someone's business if they are actually being monogamous or not?
The three that I've been on second dates with are all great guys, but none of them have hinted at or suggested monogamy and they've all kept their Tinder profiles as active. Not sure what to think about that? If they insist on paying, up to you. I'm old fashioned and usually pay for the first and probably the second but after that I'll be looking to split the bill sometimes. The problem arises if that's not true, then you're being shitty.
Hence the whole "be up front about it" thing. Yeah, I have nothing against them seeing other people. None of them have asked me to be their girlfriend so I don't think they owe me that level of commitment. So there is no expectation of exclusivity until, you know, you and a guy sit down and discuss it. Welcome to the adult world of dating. Apparently quite a few commenters aren't ready to join us at the table just yet. I am disgusted by this.
You make it sound like they paid and were the ones that had to be putting out everything for YOU to have a good time. I am genuinely disgusted by this act. As soon as I would've found out I would have dumped you without a second of hesitation. You are exploiting people money, intentionally or not.
I said "good company" basically as a brief way of saying: I like them, I see myself being compatible with them, I would like to know them better, I hope they are interested in something serious with me, I have fun around them, they're funny, they're polite. I still hope that you don't make them, or assume they will, pay every damned date you go on. That is just sexist and rude. I just replied to another comment on this post, on the first few dates I've always offered to pay but then they insist on paying so I agree because I don't want to push it further and make a big deal out of it or embarrass them over it.
If that is the case I guess it is all green. Being pushy is not needed at all. Just do what you have done here. Though I wouldn't want to date someone that dates several men at the same time. I think most people want to feel at least a little bit "selected" or special some way. Of course you could just not tell them about it if you don't want to. If you pay for your own stuff, it's fine. If they're paying for all of it, that's really unethical.
Insist on paying. Offers mean nothing if they aren't backed up. It's disingenous to hide the other guys after even one date where they pay for everything. It's entirely possible that they won't mind. I don't think I would. But it's more likely that they won't want it to be happening. And so you're basically be leading them on by not telling them. That doesn't count. Women who have no intention of paying will often "offer" to pay, then back down when the man "insists. Get absolutely fucked.
So, we date for a bit, i pay for dinners and i think we have some sort of great connection, conversation, sexual chemistry etc Oh yeah thanks for the dinners by the way. Yeah, I don't think that really flies. I mean I can't really understand how you don't consider this bullshit. I dunno tbh. I just date one person at a time and if it doesn't work out I'll move on. I'm personally not comfortable with dating someone else while leaving something else open ended. Enough people do what you're doing though that I can't really say it's a bad thing.
I personally am not a fan though and I can see it being a turn off if I found out whoever I was seeing was going on dates with others at the same time. Not my thing and o would expect a woman to be upfront about it and give me the option of bowing out. You need to afford the same respect to these guys.
If not, they will view you as a player - not saying that's what you are, but that's what you'll be viewed as. In terms of them paying, I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. You offered to pay and they rejected that offer. I haven't had sex with any of them. You're taking advantage of weak men. If they knew you were seeing other guys, they'd probably stop seeing you. When I'm seeing multiple women, I am always honest about it.
I won't go out and list each one of them, but I make it clear that I'm sleeping with other women and that's how it's going to be, from the start. It would be dishonest to let a woman sleep with me without at least strongly implying that I'm sleeping around; it would be a lie by omission, and a very important one.
She'd be hurt afterwards if her expectation was that we were going to be a couple, and mine was that she was fun for now but tomorrow I'm going to another girl's bed.Dating Several People At Once: Should You Do It ??
I think what I do in these situations is good and righteous, because I don't let anybody get too invested without knowing what they're getting into. What you're doing is gross, because you're letting guys think that you're investing more in them than you are, while letting them invest all they want in you. When they find out what's really going on, they'll be hurt because you misled them - a situation that could be easily avoided if you were reasonably up front.
You don't have to spell it all out, but to be decent in this situation you do need to imply the truth, so that a guy can't reasonably claim that he didn't understand the nature of your relationship. Accepting the third date should be making a selection. It's totally fine for first date, for 2nd it's kinda annoying but understandable, for the 3rd you either have to let them know you're looking for only casual stuff, drop them, or choose one and drop the others.
After dates I would probably be pretty pissed and ride off into the sunset. I don't think it's inherently disingenuous to date around but I do find the fact that you're allowing 3 different men to pay for "very nice" dinners kinda scummy.
They probably wouldn't be doing that if they knew you were seeing other people. Since you said you are looking for a serious relationship, I think if you are still seeing other people your aren't that interested in them or do not know what you want. If after a couple dates you don't want to focus on that person, then why keep dating them?
Just seems like you are leading them on and not nice at all. As far as I was aware this is the common practice. It's pretty much a given that any above average looking girl who is regularly social has at least half a dozen guys interested in and talking to her at any point in time. That's why people end up talking about being exclusive after a few dates. There's no arbitrary amount of time you have to do it in but in the interest of being a good person, obviously it's better to do it as early as you can so you're not wasting other peoples' time and money.
However, this is also one of those unspoken understandings - it's obviously a bad idea to tell people you're seeing other people. Also, it works both ways. I wouldn't date you, even if I were single right now.
Thanks to dating apps, the amount of romantic partners you can meet has Other Excuses Dating Turnoffs Guys Really Hate Huge Turnoffs for Girls on Tinder If you do see multiple warning signs your partner is seeing someone else, do you. With online dating, there are more and more fish in the sea — but how many should you see at once?. How do you know if a guy you met on Tinder is dating lots of other girls . Trust me, I was dating multiple women on and off Tinder until I met my.
I am monogamist, and if a girl I am romantically interested in is not ready for an exclusive relationship with me, I'll have to go one of two ways:.
I'm ready for an exclusive relationship - I'm a flexible and agreeable person and I'd be compatible with the men I've been on second dates with. Their dating profiles online are still active though and they haven't asked me for any commitment so I'm left wondering? Then it's time for you to decide which guy you really enjoy being with more.
You're in a situation like the final two guys on The Bachelorette. You can, but he would likely interpret that as a "hint" rather than a clear message. Or you can be bold and ask straight up "Will you be my boyfriend? If these guys aren't total losers they've probably got other women on their rota as well, so it's not something I'd worry about unless it gets to the stage where you want to get exclusive with one of them. It's still good form to disclose upfront, it's always worse to have it come out later as a "oh I thought you knew" or "I was gonna tell but".
Ehh, I kind of take a more liberal tack on this. When I was on Tinder I had 3 leads going at once. That's just how it worked out and I was barely expecting one let alone 3. The other showed up but was playing coy and didn't seem seriously interested.
The one I ended up with kissed me on the first date and pretty clearly planted her flag, so I went with her and cut the rest loose. As a man though I feel like this is more justified since I have to put up with a lot of women who don't seem very interested and I have to go on a ton of dates to get anywhere. I'm also the one paying so there's no soaking up of free shit. I also don't string them along very far, if we get to the 2nd or 3rd date and she's still on the fence and not communicating much interest or playing coy, I'm out.
I think it's perfectly fine if you want to date multiple people. You're not committed, so you're totally in the right to see other people. Plus, you've really only been on a few dates with each of these guys, so expectations should be pretty low on both sides. But that being said, if you're really looking for a committed relationship, at some point you kind of need to demonstrate that you can commit.
Dating multiple guys may put off guys that are interested in monogamy. I'd bet that the guy that joked about dating multiple people would probably drop you if you came clean. Yeah, I think I'm going to come clean to him today just to be completely honest even though I am really interested in him, it just seems like we have different expectations in terms of dating. Yeah, if you guys have different expectations, it's better to let him find someone that is more on his page in that regard.
But who knows, maybe he won't mind. It's not like you're long term dating any of the dudes long term so you're not a bad person. I would tell them, if for no other reason if it gets serious with one down the road. I think you're a shitty person for not disclosing that you're seeing multiple people.
I date multiple women at the same time when time permits, but i always keep all cards above the table make sure that if things escalate that i am seeing other people and that if she can't deal then it's best we don't start anything.
Also the fact that you're juggling three to four men and not chipping in at all, just doesn't feel karmic when it's extended to multiple men. You strike me as someone who justifies all this with "i don't make the rules, i just enjoy them". The final outcome of this is that you're just someone i wouldn't take seriously. This shit is fine week one cuz it's fair game and neither of us are obligated to take all other pots off the stove at this point since we don't know if we'll work out.
After the second week you should know how to make a choice like a fucking socially accountable adult, this isn't even something i should have to remind you about in the relationship. I'm not gonna go "scuseme dear but could you tell me how I'm doing this week against the other fellas?
If i was one of these guys, I'll probably already be able to deduce how many guys are in the mix just from our interactions. From then, I'll stop taking you seriously and out you on a back burner. It'll just fizzle down to nothing but booty calls because clearly you don't mind wasting three weeks of my time and money. Damn, this is a little more then disingenuous, you're selfish as hell. I bet you never even tried to split the check even though you're leading on multiple dudes, while keeping your options open.
I'd definitely drop you on the spot. You need to establish up front before the date itself that you are paying for your half of the meal, period. Don't even make it an option for them to pay for all of it.
If I went on a date and was thinking of going on another one with the same woman, I would want to know if she was actively seeing other people. If she was, I would lose interest. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with anyone dating around, as long as they are honest about it. I could just never maintain interest in a woman who was currently seeing other people.
Before I was married and when I wasn't in a relationshipI would talk to multiple people online. When I went on a date with one, though, I would hold off on going on dates with others until I had a chance to see if the first one would work out.
I could usually tell after the first date, sometimes the second. If it didn't work out, I went out on a date with someone else. If it did, I politely told the other people I was talking with online that I had found someone. I was only interested in women who followed the same pattern. You aren't doing anything wrong by dating around. You just need to be honest and upfront about it, preferably before the first date. You also need to ALWAYS pay your half, no matter what, and establish that as the agreement before going out on a date.
It's not disingenuous for you to date multiple men at once, but it's pretty messed up you're not letting them know. No, but I would keep sex out of it until you've made your choice. Not because of any moral obligation, but it makes it easier to break it off with the one you passed on. It sounds like you are trophy fishing. You have 3 lines in the water, and each line has a fish on it.
When you find out which fish is the best, you toss the other 2 fish back. Regardless of how good or bad those 2 fish are, you only seem to be interested in what you consider the trophy fish, the fish that will get you in the record book.
Personally, I'm just glad I am not one of the fish you hooked. I have no desire to get hooked and left on a line until you figure out which fish is the best. These guys seem to have an odd perspective on it. I think you're fine if it's just going on dates. I feel weird if they're spending money on you or if they feel like it's more than what you want. I used to date that way until something got serious between me and one of them.
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Obviously at some point I will have to narrow it down to one, or none, of these guys. Want to add to the discussion? Post a comment!
Create an account. Yes, I figured this question would hit a nerve with a lot of people. Bring up the subject yourself, early on. Only difference is they pay for dates. They're spending quite a bit of money there's a problem; split checks or pick up the whole thing. Or she's kinda dumb. In that case I am with you. I don't compete for a woman's interest. It's enough. People can see what you look like. The first photo should always be one of your face, Ettin said.
Dating multiple guys on tinder
That way, people know for sure what you look like. So no more pictures of you looking off to the side. It works in your favour to post a full body picture, because otherwise people will jump to conclusions. This just makes things easier for the person matching with you, because it will generate questions. Basically you're putting bait out there, the person writing to you feels brilliant that he or she used the bait, but really you planted it there. For example, if you do public speaking add a photo of you at a microphone.
Or if you play a sport, try and find an image of you doing that. Ettin doesn't recommend ever having pictures with other people in them. She said she gets a lot of pushback on this, with people saying how it shows they have friends. But in reality, nobody assumes you have no friends, so you don't need the proof. If you put friends in pictures, inevitably you're going to be compared to your own friends. You're already going to be compared to everyone on the site, so why would you do that to yourself in your own profile?
The same goes for too many group pictures. You might think it shows how sociable and fun you are, but really the person on the other end is just getting tired with trying to work out who you are.
Like, which one do I get? Especially if the first picture is a group picture — forget it. If you're a woman looking for a man, or vice versa, you should avoid having pictures with people of the opposite sex. According to Ettin, it's very intimidating. Ettin said it just leads to a really boring conversation, if any. It's simple, all you have to do is pick one thing and ask about it, and that'll start the conversation. If they've really given you nothing to go on, then you have to get creative.
Don't take too long to arrange a date with someone you're interested in, or you'll lose momentum, Ettin said. The problem is, someone on a dating app likely isn't just talking to you — they're talking to multiple people.
Also they're busy and have jobs, so you want to stay at the forefront of their mind. Once you lose momentum, you might end up at the bottom of the person's screen. If they get continuous matches, you're not a priority any more, and you might have missed your chance. Some people like to talk over text and even over the phone before they meet someone from a dating app.
Ettin said she tells people not to do this.
If you're looking for a simple, honest way to get multiple Tinder This is directed more at guys, but once you've decided on the type of date. When Tinder first came into the scene, I was pretty sure it wasn't meant for the likes of me. But as I saw my friends getting hooked on to the right. I've been on the receiving end of the "I'm dating multiple guys to shop . Had a tinder date over last night and I felt kinda embarrassed because I kept asking.
You can't see body language over the phone, and not everyone is good on the phone. Even exchanging numbers before meeting up can be a bad idea, because once you start texting you lose the urgency, Ettin said. Some people see collecting matches on dating apps as some kind of game. But really, there's no point in having a load of matches who you never speak to. Ettin said if you match with someone then think they're not for you, you should simply un-match them.
After all, you can always rematch with someone. So try to keep it only to people you're actively communicating with. Read the original article on Business Insider UK. You can find our Community Guidelines in full here.
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